Love has inspired books, songs, works or art, great achievements and even the course of history. It is the bond that holds humankind together. There are many definitions of love, yet each one is inadequate. Love can be found in the dictionary somewhere between ‘like’ and ‘lust.’ And maybe that’s where it belongs!
To understand what love is, we have to understand what love is not. Love is not hate, violence, ambition or competition. It is not infatuation. Infatuation focuses only on external traits and is merely a form of conquest, which fills a personal need that is invariably followed by disappointment. For example, a woman marries a man because he is handsome, then says that all he thinks about is his looks. She marries him because he is intelligent, then feels stupid and accuses him of knowing it all. She marries him because he is steady and sensible, then finds him boring and dull. She marries him for his money, then is unhappy because all he thinks about is business. She marries him because his is
sexy, then objects when he is sexually attractive to other women. And on and on it goes! The same example can be used for a man as well. This is not love, it is merely infatuation.
Love in not sex. You can have sex without love, and love without sex. But when sex and love are combined, the result is a beautiful, spiritual experience, one unequalled by any other.
What, then, is love? Love is the attracting, uniting, harmonizing Force of the Universe.
Love is the desire to support a person in being all that they can be. It’s helping the other person to grow emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Most of all, love is allowing another person the complete
freedom to be himself or herself and accepting that person without trying to change them.
The problem with many relationships is that love is one-sided. In order for a relationship to be balanced, you must give, but also expect to receive. Your needs must be met as well as those of your
partner. The compulsion to keep giving without expecting a return, or keep receiving without expecting to give, does not support true love.
To love means to love. Period! It doesn’t imply conditions such as “I will love you if…” “I will love you as long as…” or “I will love you when…” Love that implies conditions is nothing more than emotional blackmail.
A child’s ability to love is usually set by the time he or she is approximately two years old. This is why it is important to build the child’s self-esteem during this period. The child must learn that he or she is accepted for who they are and that love (or withholding love) is not based on his or her actions.
Often, young girls do not learn that they can be loved for who they are. They feel they need a man to make them feel loved and valuable. They will often marry the first man that comes along who tells them what they want to hear – that they are loved. Sensing her inferiority, the man will often play on her feeling of inadequacy and try to dominate her. Since she really does not love herself, she will obsessively seek the approval and the love she didn’t get as a child. The odds are that she will end up
either in the divorce court or with a husband who is an alcoholic, mentally, physically or emotionally abusive, or perhaps something worse. If selfconfidence, self-acceptance and the acceptance of others had been cultivated early in life, this could have been avoided.
It is important in a relationship to preserve love. In order to do this, it is necessary to realize that you are not a couple or twosome or anything else. Despite the abundance of poetic imagery, it is literally impossible to merge two human beings as one. You are simply separate individuals who have found a great deal to share together. You came into the world alone, and you will leave this world alone. It is sheer folly to promise to love another person forever. While it is beautiful to hear someone declare that they will love us forever – it is an empty promise. Think about it for a moment. You cannot count on your lover loving you forever, no matter what he or she says, for love is a moment-bymoment experience. Yesterday’s love has been spent, tomorrow’s love is not here yet, and today’s love must be earned.
The fact is that love will only continue as long as each person fulfills a need and contributes to the relationship. And love must continue if a relationship is to be held together. A legal contract won’t do it! In order or preserve love, one partner must not attempt to change the other. This happens much too
often and is a major contributing factor to break-up and divorce.
Love, romance and excitement are all possible when you permit your partner to express his or her own individuality. When a relationship is not stifled by unreasonable demands and expectations, it will grow closer. The more independent you feel, the more you will value your partner. True love depends on true freedom. Only those who are free can afford to love without reservation.
Time spent together should be devoted to motives of love and sharing those things you both enjoy. This will eliminate boredom and keep the relationship alive. Vital, in this regard, is the development of a romantic personality. Without romance, a person’s life lacks magnetism, so it is important for you to cultivate it. A romantic personality will increase your magnetism and enable you to attract the people, events and circumstances you desire. We all need romance in our lives and are grateful to those who stimulate and encourage it.
Everyone wants to be loved. Every stranger you meet is crying out inside, “Please love me.” Sometimes this is difficult to justify in the light of our actions; sometimes the individuals themselves don’t recognize this as the inner hunger they feel. Most people believe that they are not loved enough.
This is because they cannot recapture the love they once knew as children. And so, they go through life trying to regain this perfect emotion by searching outside of themselves.
Look at your life. You go to the grocery store for food, to classes for education, to the doctor to get well, to a contractor to build your house, to the hair stylist to have your hair done, to the department store for your clothes. And so it is with love. You go to others for love. Like a carrot dangled before a horse, there is love, just out of reach.
STOP LOOKING FOR OTHERS TO LOVE YOU!
If you are seeking someone to love you, you will go through life disappointed. Love begins with loving yourself first. Unless you first love yourself, you will not be able to find it in another. Only when you generate love and radiate it forth until it embraces everything and everyone, will love be yours in return.
But remember, you cannot give your love to another person. You can only be loving. Being loving means learning to love your mind, thoughts, body, life and the God-power within you. Learn to love objects like trees, flowers, animals, sunshine and everything you see, touch and taste. Have you ever noticed how some people always have trouble with their automobiles?
Their vehicles just don’t respond to them. Yet another person “talks” to his automobile and it responds trouble-free, trip after trip. It would seem that even inanimate things can sense love. Preposterous? It has been scientifically demonstrated that metal atoms respond differently to different
personalities. Loving is one of our strongest needs. It has been discovered by behavioral scientists that it is not lack of love that causes negative personality disorders, but lack of loving. One man proved this while running a ranch home for delinquent boys and girls. Upon entering the home, the children were given an animal to feed, care for, and learn to love.
For many of them this was the first form of life they could love. The success rate in rehabilitating these children was outstanding, just because he taught them to love.
DOING UNTO OTHERS
The idea that we cannot possibly love another until we have first learned to love ourselves may, on the
surface, appear to be a very self-centered philosophy. But it isn’t if we realize that we are connected to every other person on the planet. In the same way that our heads are joined to our shoulders, our hands to our arms, our feet to our ankles, each person is an extension of everyone else. An infection in one part of the human body means that the entire body is affected to hurt another person mentally, physically or emotionally, means that we are hurting ourselves.
For this reason, we cannot say, “To hell with the rest of the world, I’m just going to take care of myself.” Instead, we want to make it our desire to elevate the consciousness of humankind for, like a chain, the human race is only as strong as its weakest link.
SOME IMPORTANT ASPECTS OF LOVE AND THEIR RELATIONSHIP TO YOUR INDIVIDUAL PROGRESS
Remain calm and love regardless of the circumstance. Love is not a placid state but a conquering force. If someone does something to you that seems unjust or unfair, learn to forgive that person, for forgiveness is part of love. Mentally note that the situation has come into your life as a lesson. The way you meet the experience will determine whether or not you understand the meaning of love. If you do, you will be able to forgive knowing that everything will work out for the good of all concerned. To pass ‘love lessons’ victoriously is to reach new dimensions of success, prosperity, peace and fulfillment.
Learn to love everything that happens to you because your experiences give you a chance to grow in the consciousness of love. Say to yourself many times a day, “I am growing in the consciousness of love.” As you do, it will enrich your life in marvelous ways.
Many people go through life hating, criticizing and condemning others for their own lack of love. These are the negative people. They have a talent for putting others down with joking sarcasm and making them feel so inadequate and useless that they either hold back, withdraw or just plain give up. Negative people withhold love, recognition and compliments because they must always say what is on their minds, regardless of how destructive it is. They justify their verbal hostility as “constructive criticism,” an “honest relationship” or even “objective appraisal.” Their greatest talent lies in the ability to find and identify the weaknesses in others instead of their strengths.
A few years ago I conducted a seminar for couples. One of the projects was for each person to list ten
good things about his or her partner. I offered a prize for the first one finished. What was interesting, but not surprising about this experiment, was that by the time the first one had finished, some had not even written down one item. These people were either unwilling or unable to write one positive or complimentary characteristic about the person with whom they were sharing their life. It is common knowledge that, when plants are praised and spoken to positively, they thrive and grow, but when they are condemned and rejected, they become stunted or even die. If you have this effect on your plants, just think of the effect you have on another human being!
The Positive Power of Love determines how successful you will be in life. In order to be successful, you must be able to get things done. There are three ways of doing this: to do the task yourself, get someone to help you, or team up with others and give help. The first method is the most common, but it is also the most limiting because you are restricted to the amount of time and effort you, personally, can expend. If you read the biographies of great achievers, you will notice that they generally become
successful by expanding their growth through the efforts of others. In other words, they get things done by either receiving or giving help.
Giving help is one of the little known secrets of success. You get things done by helping others get things done. If you are a supervisor, manager or boss, by assisting those under you to become successful, you become more successful yourself. If you are a teacher, success comes in direct proportion to your success in helping your students to succeed; it comes by showing them how they can get what they want, not what you want. Any relationship can grow and prosper when we learn to assist others.
Love is the means by which we help others to be successful. It expresses itself in the ability to make others feel important, alive and capable of self-improvement. By giving others recognition and assurance, and pointing out their positive traits, we can stimulate them to make the best possible use of their unlimited potential. One of the greatest gifts we can give to other people is to open their eyes to their own greatness; to the potential they never realized existed. This is what “loving thy neighbor”
is all about. But helping others in not a one-way street. By offering encouragement and pointing out people’s strengths, we are helping ourselves as well. Not only does this satisfy our own need to be loving, but also each positive action generates an even more positive response and increases our total self-confidence. Emmet Fox put it so well when we said, “Sufficient realization of love will overcome anything. There is no difficulty that love cannot conquer, no disease it will not heal, no door it will no open, no guilt it will not bridge, no wall it will not tear down, no sin it will not redeem. Love will lift you to the highest dimension.”
I love everything I do. I love my work. I love teaching. And I love writing this book for you!
Saputra (Source was adpted from the book “The ultimate Secrets of Total self-confidence” by Dr. Robert Anthony )